(The following may or may not be based on true stories of my dating life)

1.Mr. I-love-you-more-than-life-itself

He is great. He’s into photography and long boards around campus. He’s super chill. At first. He is also your first boyfriend. So you know no better than what he offers. To be fair, you are both very young, so everything that happens to you is amazing and new. But he will make you his whole life….because he has no life. He gets insanely jealous of any male presence near you and makes you cut off all ties with them. After a year or so, you will realize you have no friends. Just like him. He wears a lot of vests and hats. Also, you later find out that he was a terrible kisser.

2. Mr. I-want-to-save-you

So you’re heartbroken and who shows up? The one with a savior complex. And he looks promising. He has a real job, his own place, a nice car, and most importantly, he is emotionally stable. When you have a crazy girlfriend moment, he is calm. Too calm. Is he sleeping? Does he have a pulse? Any emotions? Any interests besides his job? Yawn. Boring. Also, he keeps talking about getting married. He likes home cooked meals and wants to have 4 kids. He wants you to pick out a ring. He wants you to meet his parents. You’re 22. You run away.

3. Mr. I-need-to-be-saved

Oh this guy. He surprises you with his charm and creative ways to score free drinks at a bar. He has THREE roommates even though he is in his mid-twenties. He buys one toilet paper roll at a time because he has no money, yet he goes out three times a week. You forgive him because he is lost and super hot. He needs someone to support him while he finds himself, right? No, what he really needs is a bitch slap and someone to tell him to grow the fuck up.

4. Mr. I-only-date-hot-girls-for-now

He dates you by mistake. And that’s okay. You both know that you’re not exactly his type right now. He was a huge nerd and never had a girlfriend until he got a job in the city. Now he wears suits and is suddenly discovering that girls — hot ones! — are willing to touch him without wincing. He needs to savor the moment. But he wants to know if you guys can remain friends and suggests that he might want to revisit the idea of dating an average-looking-church-going-family-oriented-cookie-baking girl down the road. Great. He wants a normal, Midwestern family one day, and you fit the bill for a “wife-material.” You tell him to go fuck himself. He does.

5. Mr. I-am-forever-young

He is fun. Perfect for casual dates and exploring the city. He knows all the cool places and loves posting food photos on Instagram. He dresses well, has a decent job, and acts like a normal adult. Cool. You think maybe the relationship could lead to something. But haha, no. He laughs at the idea of settling down. “I’m not even 35!” he explains. What? Okay.  When asked about the next step or marriage or kids, all his answers are the same — “When it’s the right time.” You begin to notice that he lives for going out on weekends and nothing else. No long-term goals. Just vague wishes about a bright future that involves marrying a 24-year-old hottie at the age of 36. Gross.

So what happens after 25? A lot. You find better guys. You become better. And you eventually meet THE ONE. But more on that later…

What types of guys did you date in your younger days? Do you regret them or would they regret you?