30 things I learned in 30 years (it’s my birthday!)

It is here. Finally!

I have officially entered my 30’s. I didn’t die, and I didn’t get knocked up. So I think I am pretty proud of myself. Also the sheer fact that I made it this far totally qualifies me to share what I’ve learned in the last 30 years that I’ve existed in this world. So here goes:

1. Don’t get a haircut or do a crazy hair makeover when you’re emotional. A DIY is even worse. Trust me. I know.

2. Speaking of emotional, don’t be so emotional when people reject you. It’s really not you. It’s them.

3 .Unless it’s actually you. So have some sense of how annoying/asshole-y you are. I know how I annoying I can be. I can be a self-absorbed, non-stop talking pain in the butt. I didn’t say I will fix it, but knowing this about me helps when someone doesn’t like me. I’m okay with it. Nobody’s loved by everyone. Even Beyonce has haters.

4. Try to be kind to everyone. It’s seriously amazing how small the world becomes when you’ve been mean to someone. The person you called a “creepy dude with a receding hairline” is now getting married to your sister’s best friend.

5. But speak up when you’re mistreated. And Learn how to do this calmly. I wish I had known how to do this earlier because for the first 23 years of my life, I could only do this while bawling. This was totally ineffective because people couldn’t understand what I was saying + I have a really ugly, repulsive crying face, which made all my arguments invalid to the men in my life (who were the main reason I cried so much).

7. Love, love love. Fall in love. Love is good. I get so sad for people who are afraid of falling in love when they’re still so young and there’s still so much room to make mistakes! Fall in love. Be in love. It’s seriously one of the few perfect things in this world. Other perfect things if you can’t love: nutella, guacamole, and Spam.

8. Okay, but don’t waste your time with the wrong person. Time is gold and ugly-hearted people are poop. Move the hell on if someone is breaking your heart. He doesn’t need more “support and understanding.” He needs a new heart and good beating from your dad or your brother.

9. If you can help it, don’t get fat. I got very fat in my 20s. I wrote about this in my previous blog post, but it is SO easy to gain weight yet so freaking hard to lose it. Trust me. I know.

10. You know what’s another thing that you shouldn’t gain? Student loan. Avoid it at all cost. Unless you’re becoming a medical doctor, student loans are rarely worth it. Easy to take out, freaking hard to pay back. It’s the devil.

11. Don’t take a crappy internship out of desperation. Your first/second job experience is super important. It’s like your first serious boyfriend. You only get to do it once. Don’t just accept the first offer, get traumatized, and be depressed for the next 3 years. Am I still talking about jobs? Maybe.

12. Speaking of boyfriend, if you’re holding out for the right one, it is totally okay to wait. Don’t feel like you have jump into something because everyone else is doing it. And guess what? NOT everyone is doing it. The ones who are dating are just obnoxiously loud and public about it. Trust me. I’ve been there.

13. But (girl talk time. Guys, please go away for 2 seconds) whether you’re in a relationship or not or virgin or not, please get on birth control pills if you have terrible cramps, irregularity, or acne. Just do it. You’re an adult. You have the right to improve your life. And no, it won’t make you fat. You gain weight because you eat too much nutella. Like me.

14. Another girl talk. Diva cup. Use it. The end.

15. Next topic. Random but choosing the right foundation. Chances are, your foundation is too light for your skin. And it probably has too much pink/red undertone. Take me with you next time you pick up foundation. I work for free.

16. If you’re over 25 and still don’t know how to do proper makeup, I volunteer myself to you. Learn how to do at least eyebrows, eyeliner, and proper lips. Trust me. It will change your first date game.

17. While we are on the topic of first dates, here’s one: wear a dress or a skirt on the first date. Even if you’re the most tomboyish girl, just do it. Your body language changes when you’re wearing a skirt. Play up what you got! Even if your legs are short and chubby(like mine!), still wear skirts. Even with my legs, I look wicked cute in skirts.

18. If you’re a guy, don’t take your date to a bar on the first date. For the love of all things good and holy, don’t. First of all, we don’t like any of the food at bar. It’s literally fried-everything. It’s also too loud, and it’s really awkward when I have to ask you, “What?” 25 times/min. Also, do you not see me wearing heels? I want to sit dowwwwn. Bar stools are weird and uncomfortable. Lastly, why did I buy this new outfit if you were going to take me to a dark, dark basement bar with two mini-light bulbs?

19. Don’t take caffeine pills. You will need to pee at the most inconvenient moments.

20. Don’t try to live off of hummus, pita, and beer. You will get a stomach ulcer and die.

21. Also, don’t eat ramen everyday. You will get fat and will want to die.

22. Have at least one friend who will be brutally honest with you. I have mine. She will tell me when my hair looks ugly or when I really need to lose weight. Here’s a sample of our conversation: unnamed.jpg

23. But also make sure you have a friend who will tell you, “YOU’RE SO HOT. DUMP HIS ASS.” on regular basis. I am usually this friend, and I have saved many lives.

24. When it comes to choosing the right person, there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. But here’s a short version of how I did it. I got better. Work on yourself instead of trying to find the one or improve the one you’re with. 

25. The one thing I will always remember from my search for love was listening to older and wiser people (“Alice, if I were you, I would go on so many dates.” Thank you, Pauline. I am forever grateful). And that applies to almost all your problems. Ask for advice and ask for help from people who’ve actually been through some crap. They’re freaking wise.

26. If you have something you’re passionate about, hold onto it. My passion was music and writing. I let both of them go in my 20’s because I thought they were not practical. But things you love don’t have to be practical. If you got time to watch Parks & Rec every night for 1 hour, you can definitely make time to invest in your own happiness.

27. Travel. Borrow, steal, and beg and travel. You will not have the time when you’re older. And if you’re like me, you also won’t have the money.

28. Take care of your eyes, teeth, and skin under your eyes. Once they’re messed up, they’re done. Goodbye, my plump skin under my eyes. It was nice knowing you.

29. Don’t waste your money on expensive clothes, shoes, and bags. You’re young, and you don’t know it fully now, but you look amazing without any of those stuff. Youth is the most expensive accessory that will make YOU shine. If you have money to spend, see #27.

30. Finally, be thankful. I know it’s so cheesy, but I am so thankful that I made it. I keep saying, “I MADE IT!” but really, that is how I feel. There were so many times when I wanted to quit. So many things seemed to go wrong. So many people hurt me. And I’m sure I’ve hurt a lot of people, too. But you are NEVER too messed up to start again. Don’t give up and count your blessings. Even if it’s something small like, “Okay, I know how to read,” or “I have so little hair that it only takes 5 minutes to dry em!” or “I have been in love.” Take a deep breath and tell yourself that whatever you’re going through — it will get better. Because it will and through it, you will become better.

Everything will be okay in the end.

If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

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Alice

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