I must admit, I barely remember what dating feels like because I’ve become a fat chihuahua napping on a plush bed (aka happily married).

But I awoke my inner lioness (who had a pretty awesome dating career in her mid-20’s. Yeah, I’m bragging) to write this post. So read on.

There are 3 types of guys you’ll meet through dating apps:

1. Desperate for sex
2. Desperate for a relationship
3. Desperate for any female attention because they’ve never held a girl’s hand

Online dating sucks (for women) because of men of categories #1 and #3 ruin everything. Let me explain further.

Desperate-for-sex-guys

Literally no girls I know wants guys like #1. They are gross. They take you on dark bar dates. They text you after 2 AM (“Hey…are you asleep?”).

Desperate-for-any-female-attention-guy

#3 guys are “cute” but they’re so awkward, that it’s painful to just breathe the same air as them. And for some reason, they become completely obsessed with you after only one date. They’re “sweet” and stalker-y. Not a good combo.

 

Now, you gotta go for the #2 type: desperate for a relationship. 

The only hope for finding true love on dating apps: desperate-for-a-relationship-guy

These are awesome and rare. A guy from this category signed up for the app for the first time last month, after he broke up with him long-term girlfriend (who is a decent human being and a hero for leaving such an amazing guy behind). He is reluctant to meet you in real life because he’s cautious, but he does want a girlfriend/relationship (because that’s his natural habitat). He doesn’t want to “jump into anything too quickly.” But when you guys finally meet up, he takes you on a real date — you know, a place with normal height chairs, a menu, and a server!

And the best thing about him is that he might be mildly boring on “getting-to-know-each-other” stage, but he excels at being a committed, reliable, and sexy boyfriend (and eventually husband) once he makes that leap. He’s like that girl who always wears oversize turtlenecks but actually has huge boobs, and you’re the only one who knows that real deal. Well, except he’s a guy, and boobs = great, manly qualities…anyway the point is, he is awesome.

Unfortunately, there’s exactly 37 of these men left in the market because they’re endangered species.

Just kidding, but it does feel like it, doesn’t it? And that’s why you, for the fifth time this year, deactivate your dating app and think:

But do not give up! There’s still hope. After all, this is New York City — literally the worst place to find a decent guy.

Hey, if nothing else works out, you can always look in New Jersey.