My job is super average. Decent benefit, decent hours, and low pay. You know, the average, crappy job that a person takes when she has a crazy amount of student loan.

So in order to make this “career” a little more exciting, I have given myself a challenge  to try to increase my own pay by saving money at work! If they won’t increase my salary, I will do it on my own. So here goes.

Poop at work

Yes, I said it. I get paid to take multiple ddongs at work. Think your body has a limit to how much/many times you can go? Think again. Every time you take your sweet time on the can, you are literally making money. Use all the free water and toilet paper. Don’t go at home; go at work! Over the weekend, plug your butthole and gather it all up so you can go for the longest time and skip right through that boring meeting.

Drink all the water

At home, I have to use a Brita to make clean water, which is, like a three-step process. So instead, I hydrate with Diet Coke. At work, however, there’s a magical water dispensing thingy that gives me icy cold water whenever I want! I tell myself that I am a whale and try to drink all the water in the world. Which, by the way, helps me, you know, go (see above).

Drink all the coffee

If water doesn’t do the trick, begin to drink coffee. Like, 2-3 cups a day. Don’t tell me, “I’m trying to drink tea instead because I want to be healthier.” Stop. Tea is for the poor and old English ladies with compression socks on. Coffee makes NYC go around. Get on it. And get it for free from work.

Eat all the food

Some of you guys are spoiled little things with unlimited good snacks at work. I, unfortunately, don’t have that luxury, and must bring sad little snacks in my sad little Ziploc baggies to work. BUT the few occasions free food somehow makes its way into my office, I am there. Stuff the free food in your face like a bear getting ready for winter. Best food is free food.

Charge your phone

Don’t be silly charging your electronics at home. You pay for that. Instead, bring them all to work and charge them while you work, making that pitiful money that you call “salary.” Am I talking about myself. 100%. I cry at work sometimes because I am so sad. If I had known that I would have this job, I would’ve tried less in school, but this isn’t my therapy session, so I’ll stop.

Print all your Amazon shipping labels

Or if you are bolder, print your resumes at work printer — and use them for upcoming interviews you are secretly scheduling.

What other obvious money saving tricks do you have? What perks do you wish you had at work?