I was a mom for 24 hours

So after getting off of birth control (because I was having too many issues with them after switching), I thought, hey, I should be careful — I might get pregnant! LOL, wouldn’t that be funny.

Then it happened — I was late. 6 days late to be exact.

For the first 2-3 days, I said to myself, well, my body is adjusting to not being on the pill…so no worries!

Then day 6 hit. Still no period.

I started to Google “early pregnancy symptoms” in panic.

“Shit, shit, shit.”

…and OMG. I fit the bill perfectly. Fatigue (I drank the tallest cup of coffee that morning), nauseous (I was still recovering from a stomach flu, but nausea is nausea!), and more than 5 days late? OMG.

My first thought? Honestly?

 fuck frustrated muppets fozzie bear fuck fuck fuck GIF

I told my husband, and we were like:

Then we pulled ourselves together and said:

But really, we were freaking out. #1 worry: was the baby going to be healthy? My life is shit. I eat like shit. My body is shit. OMG.

So I tried to makeup for a decade-long self-destructive food consumption habits by eating a healthy lunch:

 

It was expensive and tasteless. How do people do this daily? But I would overcome in the name of motherhood.

Then I tried to read everything about pregnancy.

“My vagina and the rest of my body will be destroyed. Great. No sleeping for a year. Awesome. I will wear an ice diaper. Cool.”

The reading didn’t present any new information, but realizing that my body would soon be forever ruined terrified me.

I also looked my new puppy deeply in his eyes and told him that priorities would chance very soon. Sorry.

“No use pretending to be a baby, Bento. There’s about to be REAL baby in the house.”

 

I felt a deep hatred and love toward my husband — somehow at the same time.

 

“We created a life together….FUCK YOU ITS YOUR FAULT!!! …and I love you so much…”

I also started to think about all the things I wanted to do but didn’t get to do (Japan, for example, was now off the table because I don’t want my child to be radioactive) and all the food I won’t be able to eat for the next 9 months…

“Coffee…feta cheese…sushi…”

…WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

Excitement, regret, joy, resentment ::repeat:: — these were basically all the things I felt in the 24 hours I thought I was a mom.

But God will always give you a second chance…because this morning, this happened:

NOT PREGNAAAAAAANT!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!

Image result for i would like to thank the academy gif

Seriously, I’ve never been happier to get a period. I feel like I can truly live a full life now. I am making travel plans and drinking all the coffee and admiring my youthful self in the mirror — all at the same time.

I guess I am not read to be a mom. But it was nice previewing motherhood for the last 24 hours.

Goodbye, child who I did not get to name and who didn’t actually exist. When you actually arrive (hopefully not anytime soon), I will be a better human being, I promise.

But for now:

 

 

 

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Alice

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